the heavy hearts

i like taking moments to sit in the coffee shop, stare out the window, and listen to all the conversation around me. about lives. that are happening in tandem with mine. isn’t that weird? everybody’s life is taking place around us. we are part of another person’s lifetime, in some way, at least.

I can see the mountains today, from my window to the outside. They’re snowpeaked now, which is beautiful. i didn’t grow up with a lot of topography, and it’s something i hadn’t realized i missed until i came home for thanksgiving. coming home is weird because i’ve changed so much. i’m finally allowed to become whatever person i want to be and i want to believe it’s a person my family can accept but i’m not sure about that. they’re probably just worried about me. the person i’ve become is rather unhealthy.

i haven’t been writing as much lately. i don’t know why. it might be because oftentimes i feel like i’ve sunk to a new low in my mental health. tomorrow i’m going to the counseling center because it’s’ something i think i should do. my friend asked me what i hope to get out of the meeting and i have to admit i couldn’t really answer her clearly, but it’s important to go into these kinds of things knowing what you want out of it, even if the answer is just to know where to start. i think that’s what i want–to know where to start. i’ve had so many diagnoses and so many things happen to me. i just want to figure out what’s causing it this time.

sometimes i can convince myself that if i just deal with my problems one by one, they’ll go away eventually and i’ll be capable of being a happy, healthy, healed person. but the thing is that the problems keep coming back. today i thought of the day aimee, not something i’ve thought about in a while. and i remembered all the anger and the grief. i remember crying uncontrollably and then an intense feeling of calm, of wanting to be okay, of wanting to just sit in a place with less going on. a routine. i remember feeling dead, i remember wanting to feel dead, i remember feeling the intense uncontrollable sadness, i remember thinking it would never end. my friend asked me how i could ever get over something like that and i didn’t know how to answer her because i don’t remember how i got over that trauma. just time, i guess. i had to wait until i was ready for therapy to be helpful, to get enough distance from the event that i would be able to process my feelings with a clear head.

but that took years. i’m running out of time to be happy.

i feel like sometimes all the medication and therapy in the world can’t help me now. like i’m a lost cause and i should just get as far in my life as i can before the world becomes too unbearable and i give up. that some people are just destined to be sad, and maybe i’m one of those people. one of those people with the heavy hearts.